For those who have read the rest, know this
It actually does get better.
The darkness, the weight, the feelings. It gets better.
If you stick things out, if you persevere until you get it right, you feel so appreciative for light. You bask in the sun. You bask in your glory.
I view myself and others with beauty.
I look in the mirror and I do not see disheartening disgust.
I talk to people, and don't replay conversations in my head as much as I used to.
I react to things better now.
I'm proud of myself - of what I accomplished, of where I'm going.
I've grown so much. I'm constantly changing.
I'm getting better at giving love in my relationships with those I truly love.
I'm not afraid to show love. To give love. Or even to receive love.
I take care of myself now.
I exercise regularly.
I eat healthier.
I treat myself and do not feel bad about it.
I have fun with my friends.
So much fun that I feel young again.
I haven't reread anything I have posted because I always judge myself so hard whenever I do, and end up editing and editing again. Sometimes I edit so much that the meaning of the writing changes. So now I'm posting whatever and not reading it, because in a way, whatever I post the first time obviously shows how I was feeling one way or another.
When I edit I fix grammar. But humans don't speak in grammar. We speak with our energy.
I'm surprised this site gets any visitors at all seeing as it is just a random collection of my thoughts. I don't manipulate its SEO, I haven't checked the way the site looks. I log on every couple of months. But somehow you found this. And you're reading. And you may understand words I've said in previous pieces more than I do right now.
So I feel the responsibility to tell you that I'm happy now.
This past week, the mega million lottery jackpot was the largest it has ever been... a billion and something dollars. Everyone bought tickets. Everyone bought multiple tickets.
I don't gamble.
I bought 4 tickets.
And we all asked each other, "What you would do if you won the lottery?
I wouldn't change my life.
I would just feel so much more comfortable doing what I'm doing, and add to it.
I wouldn't quit my job. I'd keep on working where I am now, but I might start investing in other hobbies/passion projects of mine.
I wouldn't move cities or countries, I would just take more weekend trips because I can afford to.
I wouldn't change my apartment, I just wouldn't feel as bad when it's time to pay rent, and uber/taxi when I didn't feel like dealing with the train.
I wouldn't even change my donation-based hot yoga studio, I'd just get the monthly membership instead of paying per class.
Basically, the big things in my life are settling into place. It shifts, as everything shifts, but I trust in the way Earth moves.
I trust that whatever happens was meant to happen.
I know I'll probably be sad again.
But I also know I'll probably be happy again
Because through the darkness
I was building the foundation to my brightest future.