written on AUGUST 29 2022 at 2am - titled: Love

 Hi You, 


I haven't posted in years, but I just logged in and saw that hundreds (more than 1000) of you have found this website. I have no idea who you are or how you got here. I know that you do not know me or who I am either. And that's okay. 
This website, as mentioned in other places, is a place for me to just express myself and write whatever I am going through at the moment. 

Right now, I'm living in Assisi, Italy. I'm not religious or anything, but I received a calling from St. Francis to stay here for a month, so here I am. 

It's been very interesting so far. 

Since 2018 (last time I posted)... a lot has happened. I was living in nyc. I got certified as a yoga teacher... Something I thought I could never do because I'm not flexible and wasn't born into a patient household. Nor graceful.
But yoga has helped me become more patient and graceful. 

 Before writing the thing that I'm here to write, I'd like to share the prayers from St. Francis and St Clare that have guided me to post on this blog again:

Prayer Before the Crucified 
"Most High, 

glorious God, 

enlighten the darkness in my heart, 

and give me 

true faith, 

certain hope, 

and perfect charity, 

sense and knowledge, 

Lord, 

that I may carry out 

Your holy and true command."

- St. Francis of Assisi 

 

 

 

I Am Happy With Your Love

"Oh Lord, humanity sings to You of its happiness. 

I thank You for the grace if the table that you prepared for me; so that wherever I look, I will see you. 

Oh Beauty more beautiful than the entire universe. 

I am happy with Your love

restored by Your contemplation, 

and full of Your goodness that gives us every good; 

may Your brilliant presence shine in our memory

and in every moment of our lives. 

In this clear light, 

the mirror of Life, Truth and Beauty, 

you want to reflect my face:

may Your design be accomplished in me." 

- St. Clare of Assisi

 

 Hi, again. So yeah, 

I was born into a Catholic family, and have gone through all the catholic sacraments as a child and adolescent, but have never been that great of a Catholic. I drink, smoke, and have never been married yet given my body to many men. Yet here I am. Writing prayers by saints prior to writing a blog that was intended to be a vent about my ex. lolll

I guess I should catch you up on how life has been from 2018-2022?
Covid happened between then and that could lead in a lot of directions, but we'll see where this post goes.

 

2018: I stopped eating meat. I feel like that is important to note because it was a huge life change for me. I am first generation Mexican-American, so eating meat is a huge part of my culture. So much so that my grandma cried when I told her I no longer ate meat. Why did I stop eating meat? I suppose is the quickest answer is "yoga practice." I was practicing yoga lots when I got to nyc in 2017 and slowly I started to feel very connected to my Self, then to other humans, and then I started realizing the humanity in animals and could not fathom eating their flesh just as I could never fathom eating another humans'. All my life I could never eat a human, cat or dog, and then in 2018, that philosophy carried into all living beings ...including cows, pigs and fish. 

 

2019: I was a VP at a med-tech company in nyc by day, and by night I was going to rock concerts/shows that my friends were performing in. I don't feel that I did much, so I wouldn't dare to say I was their manager, although sometimes it is said that I was. Anyways, it was an interesting contrast of corporate and grunge living in nyc. Late 2019, I felt very strange, almost like I was going to die or the world would just stop/end. I definitely felt a strong premonition but had no idea that it would be what was to come. 


2020: Early in the year I got havened by Dr. Ronald Ruden and felt free of the traumas that had been holding me back. I felt SO FREE that I quit my corporate job to pursue my creative endeavors in February 2020. Then in March 2020, the world shut down because of covid. Luckily I had created great relationships with CEOs in the medtech space that wanted to hire me as a business development consultant, and I still was able to make rent for my studio apartment in nyc. I was budgeting HARD, but I made it work. 

August 29, 2020 I went for a walk in Central Park. My studio was on 60th and 1st, so the park was close, but wasn't often that I walked the avenues to get there. There was a certain spiritual calling that pulled me there that day. During my walk, I met a very cute dog that came up to me, the owner was astonished that the dog approached me. she said "wow! he's usually very shy! I can't believe he wants to play with you!" Of course that made me cuddle the dog even more and give him so much love. Then the owner let me know it was his (the dog's) birthday. "happy birthday, little cutieeee!" I said. Kept giving him love until he had had enough then I continued on my walk. 

I'm a weirdo and LOVE trees. Side note: when I was 16 (in 2008), I went on my first solo trip ever and it was to Washington, DC to be a part of the National Youth Leadership Forum on Law... nerd alllerrtttt. It was basically a future lawyers of America camp. The other kids called me "tree girl" because I kept taking pictures of trees and commenting on how pretty they were.
Well, now I was 28 years old, and no one could judge me. I was admiring trees and taking pictures during this walk in central park. Then I heard a musician playing guitar and singing live. His soulful voice drew my attention, and I felt like it was a soulmate calling for me. I didn't know where the voice was coming from, so, I followed it. 

This voice sounded like it belonged to a 40 year old man, but to my surprise it was a 22 year old, skinny, south african, white boy...

I know talent, and this guy was TALENTED.
My musician friends that I pseudo managed were playing a gig in the bronx the next day, so I invited him to come. I told him to bring his guitar and who knows.. maybe he could get up there and sing something. 

Truth be told I was at Central Park because I had matched with a guy on bumble that lived in the upper west side, and meeting up in central park was mid point for us since I was in the upper east side. Later that night my date told me that he thought the musician liked me/ thought I was cute.. but seeing as I barreeelllyyy had a conversation with the musician, I didn't know where my date was coming from... I set that comment aside. The musician's name was Nathan.